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This season’s regret is 1966’s Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter. Whatever you’re imagining based on the western/horror hybrid of that title, let me assure you that Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter is infinitely more underwhelming.
We open with neither Jesse James nor Frankenstein’s kin but with a very Mexican peasant family. They lament their lot in life, which seems to include sending their son into “that cursed house” where he must remain because he has “the sickness.” They’re so mad, they’re gonna wait and pray! Strangely, it all feels more like a Zorro movie than anything else.
Meanwhile, in a giant mission in the middle of nowhere, the lovely Maria is watching a lightning storm with her much older brother and her outrageous accent. Maria delights in the fact that the American prairie provides such terrific lightning storms for her experiments. I’m still a bit unclear as to what these experiments are meant to achieve, but they include a lot of neon lights and salad bowls as headgear and some young man who will either die or come to life and then die again.
Yes, this is indeed Frankenstein’s daughter from the title. Technically. She’s a Frankenstein’s daughter, but she’s the granddaughter of the famous Dr. Frankenstein.
Maria and her much older brother conduct another experiment, and there’s neon and mood music and crackling electricity and all that stuff, and it results in yet another dead body. The much older brother begins to complain, but Maria puts him in his place with:
“My, you’re a humanitarian. You should have stayed in Europe and given pick pills to sweet old ladies.”
Maria quickly assesses that what she really needs is a big, strong man – like a giant! – to withstand the trauma of her experiment. She gets all frothy over the idea as we cut to… a big, strong man – like a giant! – engaging in the kind of shirtless fisticuffs that the Wild Wild West is famous for.
No, the big, strong man is not Jesse James – that’s his rather dimwitted buddy, Hank. Jesse James is the tired, middle-aged beanpole of a man watching the fight and letting everyone know that the reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated. Together, Jesse and Hank have a groovy little Of Mice and Men thing going.
Turns out that our less-than dynamic duo are in town on the behest of the remaining members of The Wild Bunch (I thought they were talking about this Wild Bunch, but this one makes much more sense). Apparently, times are tough for outlaws – they even mention how Frank James is “hiding out as a preacher.” Somehow, getting up in front of a crowd to preach strikes me as a terrible way to hide from the public.
These guys, they’re tough! So tough that when Lonny, the Wild Bunch’s resident alcoholic, mouths off to Jesse James, the famed outlaw shoots the gun right out of Lonny’s hand and Lonny’s brother doesn’t even raise an eyebrow. Given that treatment, it’s not much surprise that Lonny rats out the gang to the local marshal. The stagecoach robbery goes pear-shaped, and Jesse James manages to escape with a wounded Hank.
James stumbles upon the peasants from the opening of the film, and they engage in some high school Spanish. Como estas? Muy bien! E tu?
Their comely and spirited daughter, Juanita, agrees to take the outlaws to Dr. Frankenstein’s in the hopes of patching up Hank. Along the way, James gets ambushed by a hippie (I think he’s supposed to be a Native American, but he looks more like a war protester). The music tells us that this is all very dramatic and exciting. But the actual fight? Not so much. The grateful Juanita gives Jesse James a big ol’ smooch for his efforts.
At last, Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s (grand)daughter, and the two sit in the parlor and chat – just like you imagined they would. Maria is psyched to get the big, strong man – like a giant! – she’d been hoping for, and quick to figure out the real identities of the outlaws. Maria makes a pass at Jesse James to keep him around, but he turns her down in favor of Juanita. Drama! Maria is full-on jealous, and suddenly this film becomes like the strangest issue of Archie comic ever.
Are you getting antsy yet? Wondering whether Frankenstein’s Monster might actually show up? Or if anything remotely interesting might happen? Welcome to Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter.
The closest we get to the famous monster is a lobotomized Hank, who does all the required lumbering and mumbling and strangling. There is a great moment during Hank’s operation where Maria adds some instant oatmeal to brain in a jar, causing the brain to throb because that’s what brains do. Once lobo-Hank is up and around, Maria re-named him Igor. Just to make it officially a Frankenstein movie.
It all builds up to a terrific gunfight—ha ha, no, that doesn’t happen. In fact, for much of the climax, Jesse James was either restrained or unconscious. I gotta say, I kinda envied him.
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